I Owe This To Myself

After twelve social media-less days,my Hublet had a conversation with me last night, the upshot of which was:

* he appreciated my reasons for quitting social media;
* the sacrifice I made for the sake of the family was huge, and he was touched and impressed;
* but he was massively worried that what I’d actually done was to cut myself off from my non-aspie support network. So…
*would I please go back on twitter?

I sat. And I thought. And I (being me) fretted. And I started a new, tiny, twitter account.

Now, being me, as well as fretting, there is also guilt. More guilt than a murderer stood, red-handed over the deceased, holding a sign saying ‘I did it! I left! I not only left, I left dramatically! I called myself an addict! Was I lying? Seeking attention? Kidding myself?

This means today has contained limited tweeting and unlimited introspection, the upshot of which is: What I am addicted to is not Twitter per se. It’s attention.

As I’ve mentioned before, my herd are mainly self-dwelling creatures, perfectly at home and content within themselves. They do come out to play, and regularly demand my complete and undivided attention, but for the most part they merely require food, hugs and approbation on their terms. This leaves me feeling superfluous a lot of the time…really, it’s like living with large, two-legged cats!

So, here’s me; bit mad, rather loud, chaotic, and with a history of very uncertain self-esteem, and feeling kind of irrelevant. So I tweet.

Twitter is actually a wonderful thing. I once described it as speed dating for soul mates, because it’s possible to connect on a fairly deep level pretty fast. I’ve made some truly wonderful friendships on twitter, with people I couldn’t imagine not having in my life. And they get me.

The downside of this is that sometimes, instead of being honest, I’m tempted to perform. I’ve found that when I’m lowest, I’m prone to becoming loud, vulgar, overly flirty and desperate for any kind of attention. I’m screaming validate me!!!

I’ve been trying during my offline time to reconnect with my spiritual side, too. The last two years have really seen me struggle with my faith, and I’m definitely not through it – I have so many questions! But I’m using the reading plans on the You Version Bible app and trying to build up firm foundations again. Through this I’ve discovered I’m carrying around so much baggage about who I am, what I’ve done, where I’m going… I don’t feel worthy of love or attention; from God, at home or online, and I’ve got a whole lot of distractionary behaviours I hide behind, rather than trying to actually dig down and get rid of the festering nasties in my mind and soul. This must change, because it’s ultimately incredibly destructive, and will harm my herd as well as myself.

Gosh. Rambling AND navel-gazing. Sorry.

So. Here’s what I’ve committed to doing (because, like the title says, I owe it to myself):

Being honest with myself and the people I interact with (offline and online).

Watching myself for inappropriate levels of behaviour or attention-seeking, and putting myself on time-out if I find I’m getting tempted to be silly.

Trying as hard as I can to accept and love all the odd, messed-up parts of me, and to accept I am worthy of love from others, too – without needing to perform for them.

Accepting I need my little online family – I do see you guys as family, by the way, I hope you don’t mind – but remembering to treat them with consideration too. No using them just to bolster myself!

And.

Most very importantly.

Stopping. Caring. What. Other. People. Think. (While not becoming a sociopath, obviously) because while their opinions matter, at the end of the day, I have to be right with myself, my God, and my herd (but not necessarily in that order).

Anyway. Here endeth today’s introspection. Thanks for listening!